I don’t know If im okay lately. To be honest I feel like I can’t keep up financially. I don’t know if I can sacrifice my alone time for a second job. If I am in fact being honest though, I don’t know if that’s it. I’m lonely… like lonely lonely. I want love. Like love love, not whatever it is I’ve been settling for. Whatever little love I’ve been willing to give… I don’t give enough to receive what I desire. I’m selfish and undeserving of the quantity of admiration I require to feel truly seen.

Even when I do recieve love and admiration, i get paranoid. I push away and I get scared. Anything past just, carnal desire. Anything real, and deep, it threatens me. I’m afraid of feeling some feelings I’ve felt before.

I don’t like the aching part of love. I don’t like that every part of love feels like aching to me. I want that warm feeling I once felt. Bliss. I want the love that makes you drunk. I want something that isn’t real.